I wish I could be normal. It’s a thought I have from time to time. Strangely, it seems to be a common refrain. Quite a normal thought from a normal person. But there is very little about me or my life that aligns with one’s expectations of normality. I’m not a wholly unique individual. But it is clear that there are not many like me. Not many in my situation. Not many that have the privilege of being housed and relatively healthy while having my conditions. But I can be at any moment, and likely will be unhoused in the future. So I have that to look forward to.

But back to normalcy, if that’s what I was talking about. I want to be the type of normal that can communicate clearly and interact with other people without being sick. Because I gewt sick when interacting with people, and I’m fairly certain that is considered abnormal. But to be honest, I really wouldn’t know would I? Because I don’t talk to people. It’s plausible that evryone gets nauseous when posting anything online, or respolnding to or engaging with another on socials or whereever.

Oh, did you think I meant irl? Would that be less pathetic? Is it even pathetic? I know I feel that way from time to time but I guess I’m curious as to what the consensus would be. Sometimes people are kind. When it behooves them or if the object of their kindness is aligned with them politically. But mostly I see mean people. Not hateful. Generally well meaning, but ultimately mean spirited people. I think because this world makes people mean.

I know and acknowledge how disjointed and clunky all of this is. I have trouble forcing my thoughts out. Buit that’s the purpose of this. I want to get back to writing everyday. Writing anything. It is hard with my mind. I have some issue that occurs when I physicall sit down to write. My thoughts race and my mind sort of seizes up. I blank. All of my great ideas vanish. obscured by doubt and self loathing. And listen, the ideas, they’re great, man. THE BEST. Top notch ideas you wouldn’t believe how great they are. I’d give you a taste but I don’t think you could handle it. Like, what if you could make any soup, just by thinking about it?