Hello. Ya this is a sad one. Well. Sad for me. I guess I don’t have to say that. Maybe its obvious by now but I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t really know anything. I never finished high school. I never go outside. I never talk to anybody. These aren’t the sad parts btw. These are just regular parts. Custom parts I am quite accustomed to. No the sad part is I made this long thread on BlueSky about all the games I had achieved Platinum in and no one interacted with it. No engagement. No likes. There was one like on one of the last posts about Shinobi: Art of Vengeance. I don’t know the person but they made cool art. None of my mutuals. I don’t know how anything works. I don’t regret making it. I was so proud when I finally finished the thread and posted it. The idea of it had becom a major mental block for me. I usually, um, historically, I don’t get past those. I stopped writing for 20 years, I think, because of mental blocks. I make things pointless in my mind. I think because everything is actually pointless. Pointless when you don’t have a point to make, or when no one sees your point.

Last year, I started a thread to talk about the games I Platinumed. I was just trying to exist the way others exist. I was trying to exist in the world. Take up a little space. Communicate in whatever small way that I felt comfortable doing. It lasted 2 posts. I overthink. I had a lot going on mentally and emotionally. Small issues probably, to someone else. Someone normal enough to function. The thread became a thorn. A sharp little nub in my brain that I would flick and pick at from time to time. Another thing I lacked the ability to see through. Just a simple thing, and I lacked the strength or skill. And it’s not like I abandoned the platform, or stopped playing games. I would still scroll, and I still played games. I see people posting about gaming or anything. Announcing their streaming schedules. Posting their virtual photography. Calling the US president a pedophile. Y’know, being happy interacting with the community.

I try sometimes to do so. That’s what the thread was. It was an attempt to say “Hey! Hello. I like trophies does anyone else like trophies.” I know there are forums and subreddits and discords where people discuss these things and all of my other interests, but I don’t know how to navigate those spaces. I feel so out of place everywhere. I don’t know people. I don’t understand people. So, of course, I don’t know how to talk to people. People have expectations. I’ve never known how to match those. It is difficult when you feel behind the world. When it feels as though the entirety of humanity is moving to a different rhythm. People are usually so kind. Most people want to help. They want to feel as though they have done good. But I am still too afraid. It has been my experience that I am too weird and too awkward for even the most well meaning people. I am too broken, and when people can’t fix a broken thing they put it in the corner and move on.

When I finished the thread and posted it I was joyed. Maybe even abundantly so. Not over. No. But at least sufficiently joyed. Yes. But even then, in that joyous moment I knew, no. I feared that I would feel the way I feel now. I don’t want to feel this way. Ignored. Stupid. I don’t like thinking that there was something I should have done differently. A way I should’ve worded my posts to be more appealing. More interesting to my followers, whom I’m now wondering the status of their humanhood. They might mostly be bots. And yes if they are bots then that means I wasn’t rejected by my peers. I hate this. This type of thought. I want to just stay in the moment of joy when I felt confident enough to share my creation. Toiling in obscurity is different when you are alone. I don’t think I’ve toiled quite yet. I did make this terrible website despite not knowing anything about anything. Perhaps I can take comfort in that.

I was so happy when I finished it. I need to just keep that thought at the forefront of my mind. I’m going to go play Returnal. I want to “get good” again before Housemarque’s follow up, Saros comes out. All this too will not be read. I’m not even sure if I will share it. I’m stuck trying to decide if that matters or not. Whether it exists or not. k bye