I woke up feeling good today. I usually do. Wake, feeling happy. A sense of contentment. Happy to see another day. But then, I always seem to dig a little pit of misery for myself. I don’t know why. Like a simple answer would be depression. That doesn’t really explain it though. It’s not just a sadness. Or a hopelessness. It’s a pattern of behavior that I am both aware of yet unable to alter. I know that doing certain things, reading certain materials or posts or whatever, will set me down a path of negative self talk and self loathing and yet I can not avoid doing so. I see and feel myself going to these dark places. I feel this pressure in my brain. I know I will be made miserable by partaking in these activities, and yet I persist.

I think because these “activities” that I am being inadvertantly cryptic about are just normal everyday activities. I should say these are things I view as normal. I’m talking about reading comments. Reading articles. Looking up information I need to do my work. Just like, basic existing. I have so much trouble with it. It makes my head hurt. I think I’m just a terrible person.

Terrible at being a person. I’m bad at being a human being. I can’t communicate well enough to be understood. My thoughts are always jumbled. I awoke today with the intention of doing a bit of work editing for my Raji: Ancient Epic Platinum trophy post. It should not matter at all. It is nothing. It will be read by at most 2 people. But I immediately did what I think many people do: procrastinate on social media. And ResetEra. But unlike most other people, I think and hope, I get destroyed emotionally by doing so.

I am too sensitive. It takes very little effort on my part and very little outside influence for me to start tearing myself down. Not others insulting me exactly. That’s not what I mean by outside influence. I mean I’ll see someone’s opinion on something and it will spiral me into a negative self-talk shitstorm. Or it will make me see the world as a horrible unwelcoming place. I’ll think to myself, “if this is how people think, how can I exist?” or “Why don’t I fit anywhere?”

And then I can’t help but get stuck there. Suddenly the work I’ve had planned is pointless. The weird stuff I wrote that I was so proud of is worthless. I hate myself and I hate how useless I am. How helpless. Everything seems so easy for everyone else. I know this isn’t true. I know others struggle. Struggle as I do. But I do not see it. And if its out there I don’t know how to find it, and if I did I would not be able to do anything about it. I can’t talk to people. I had a conversation on BlueSky that consisted of maybe 5 posts and it was so draining. It makes me nauseous. I get so worked up and anxious. My heart explodes. My head spins.