Never Writes:
A Journal Entry
04 April 2026
I’m too sad. Too sad and hopeless. I don’t know why(Don’t you?) I… yes. I know. I know its because of my life. Because of the things that happened to me. Because of the things that I did, and more importantly, or I should say more impactfully, the things I didn’t do. Couldn’t do. But that isn’t really why, is it?(*shrugs*) It’s hard feeling this alone. This isn’t anything. I don’t feel much other than this, so why write?
I try. But my mind. There is never any peace there. I should feel nothing about this. No one ios watching. That isn’t a sad thought. Its freeing. I can say or write whatever I want. Do whatever I want. Be whomever the fuck I want. So why am I this? Why is this my default setting? I don’t feel capable of articulating the feeling. I don’t want anybody else to feel this way, but part of me wishes they did. Then they would know. Then I’d be understood, maybe.
I have so much difficulty being productive when I’m like this. These mental dips can last weeks. Maybe months. I get decision paralysis. Unable to take any action because I overthink every aspect of every whatever I’m doing. Even just posting my VP on BlueSky is the hardest thing. An action that should take me a few minutes can toake an hour and a half. I just sit and sink into my mind. Fretting over which image to post and what caption to write. How to get the correct feeling or vibe across. The tone of a VP post. I worry so much about all of this, and no one cares! Nor should they! But I torture myself. Make it matter so much in my mind. No one is watching. No one is reading. No one is here. This isn’t for them.(Then who?) Thi…me. This is for me.(You’re not here, either) i know. but i wanted to be.
I don’t know what I’m doing here. I have no knowledge or experience doing anything like this, and I think that shows. Every post here takes forever because I always run into new issues. There is always a hurdle. Some problem I thought I solved already, presenting itself as new. Its always my own ignorance. My lack of knowledge. I can’t code. Its all just widgets and free plugins. I can barely get my head around that. I have to completely rethink my Virtual Photography category because I only have 10 gigs of web…storage or whatever. See! Fuck me! Web storage? What does that mean? I looked it up. I left but you didn’t know(I knew) Oh wow good for you. Its Disk Usage. I have used over 1 gig of my allotted 10. I need to resize all my photos. I think I need to rethink the entire process of posting it here. My VP.
Rethinking isn’t a bad thing. I guess. I can figure a way to be more creative, more thoughtful with my VP posts. I sort of have been doing that. The Horizon page has to go entirely. I thought I could just put everything up. I didn’t know. I feel so out of place. Out of time. But it is an opportunity to craft something. I like that.
Oh hey look at that. I need to be more organized. Perhaps if I made a schedule…could I keep to it? Do I have the motivation? Everyday I want to start writing about my trophies. I want to write about games and my time with them. I don’t want to write whatever this is.(Then STOP) But I don’t want to stop the way you want me to stop. I just want to stop feeling this way. I don’t know what it is like to not feel this way. To not have this constant weight. Crushing me. Destroying me. Killing me.(THEN. STOP) please. i don’t want to. I just want to be like everyone else.(You think they’re happy? You think anyone is actually happy?) I think they are capable. I think they function. I think(You don’t think anything. And no one gives a shit. And no one should.) i know. i know how it is.
Please stop putting these here. It isn’t funny.