Never Writes About:
A journal Entry
28 March 2026
Hello. My mind is still in this down, depressive state. I need to be kinder to myself. I know how to be. It is just difficult much of the time. I still haven’t shared this space with anyone. Not intentionally. I’ve put the url in a few profiles. That’s it. Profiles in spots I may never post in or interact with. But I think, or more accurately I hope that I am getting over that. Slowly. A big part of my problem wit posting is feeling stupid. That’s a very broad explanation of my issue. I worry, almost exhaustively, about appearing like an idiot and people treating me as such. I don’t know a lot. I feel lost when visiting a new site or social platform. There are so many pop ups or info tabs or whatever. They all say things or use words I am not familiar with. I just today signed up for or joined, I guess, the Horizon Hunters Gathering Discord. I wanted to join because I am excited for the game. And I wanted to be part of a community that shares that excitement. and trepidation, because there is some of that as well. I was immediately lost. Not ‘lost’ lost. I managed to sign up ok. Change my avatar. But I’m still not sure what roles are, or how much of it works. And the thing is, I know that if I were to ask, someone would likely be kind and just tell me. I feel mostly certain of that, in that place. But my problem is that the fear of the opposite happening, irrational as it may be, is given far more weight and credence in my mind. I have seen people be shunned or mocked in other spaces for their ignorance. Impatient people telling others to just google something. Or mocking them in some other way. And like, I type this out and read it out loud, and it seems like a completely foolish thing to be afraid of. BUT IT PARALIZES ME UTTERLY. I can’t explain it. Its bigger in my mind, somehow. Much more sinister. Much more consequential. It isn’t even my fear. I mean I have never experienced it myself. Not that I remember. I so very rarely interact with anyone. But it’s a fear I have and when boiled down I think it is pretty universal: I am afraid of being mocked and shunned. I don’t think the Horizon HG Discord members would treat me or anyone that way, and that is sort of where the hope comes from.
Thanks Rem! Hope is dope!
So the thing I’ve kind of sort of maybe just a teeny tiny bit realized is that I should seek out and join communities filled with like minded people. Because of logic(anxiety) I assume you think I’m dumb. Like, obviously that is what you do. My problem, as I see it, is that due to my mental illness, the severity of it, I am too different. Too weird. Too awkward. Too uninformed. I don’t understand the rhythm of socializing. The rhythm of people. I like observing. I like listening. I don’t like talking. (This is meant to be about the hope) Yes I remember. A big issue I have is seeing terrible opinions online. Outside of, or really on TOP of all the racism and sexism, I hate seeing what I call brain rot opinions.
Ya thanks Rem I know That. I’m talking about opinions that are usually kneejerk reactions, to say, I don’t know, a new multiplayer game from a company that everyone has randomly determined shouldn’t make those. No one has to love every game or announcement or anything. The “brain rot” presents itself when you see common terms or phrases that do not apply, but are said anyway. Things such as “it looks like Fortnite” or “stop chasing Fortnite” or “shareholders blah blah” or the classic “who asked for this?” That usually gets pulled out when a women or POC is front facing in the marketing. Basically, whenever someone regurgitates whatever talking points the male dominated media has been browbeating them with for years. BAH!
This is taking a turn I didn’t intend. My point is I should seek out the spaces where people do not behave this way. But for someone like myself, who is comfortable lurking, and is accustomed to seeing the brain rot everywhere, because the brain rot gets the most engagement, it can be bleak. but I want to have the hope. I want to exist in the positive spaces, with mostly likeminded people. Even if I never work up the courage to interact. I want to see their joy. I want to see the art they make. Seeing it is soothing. I need to remember that. I hope that one day I can be brave enough to contribute to a positive community. I hope that one day I’ll be brave enough to share this dumb blog. One day at a time, I guess.