Demotivation

Never Writes About:

(He Means Depression)

I don’t think that’s what I mean. I have depression, but I don’t think that’s what I’m going to talk about. I just want to say I had more planned for today. Site-wise. I had planned on writing more. I had planned on finishing the profile and general set up for the BlueSky account I made for this place specifically. Not specifically specifically, but. I don’t know. I was going to write about something vulnerable regarding the set up of that account but I don’t have it in me. I saw a stupid article about dynamic pricing and it triggered a deep goddammit. Fuck me every time. It triggered what can, maybe, possibly perhaps, in some circles, be INCORRECTLY described as a depressive state.

What the fuck is that doing there? I know what depression is. I’ve been dealing with it for 30+ years. Look, I was motivated to do things, saw some stuff that bummed me out, now I don’t see a point to it so I’m not doing ANYTHING and I feel a sense of shame and guilt for not doing it and then I feel useless. So maybe that is the underlying issue behind my lack of motivation. My sense that everything is pointless. I wish I wasn’t so easily triggered. I wish I wasn’t so ~~sensitive~~. But I am. I am and you know what I take that back. I like how ~~sensitive~~ I am. Strike through ~~that shit.~~ That’s so funny ha ha ha. Strike through ‘sensitive.’ Jesus no the first one! Why can’t I delete anything! Why can’t I just write normal sensationalist rage baiting opinion pieces masquerading as articles about video games! Like a normal person! Like a normal, HAPPY, well adjusted person! Why can’t I get over this shit!

Stop. Doing. That. I get it. I know I have it. I’ve known for years. I just want to talk about how I feel sometimes. Some. of. The. Time. I want to talk about how I’ll plan something in my head, often even sketching or outlining ideas, only to lose motivation and not follow through. I want to talk about how this happens even when I am very excited by my dumb ideas. I want to talk about feeling energized and focused one minute and then drained and confused the next. I just want to get that out in the hopes that once it is out, once it has been vocalized or in this case put to page, I can be free of it. That I can detach this malaise from my being, and feel content again. Even if only for a brief moment.